Rannoch Mountaineering Club 

www.climbrannoch.co.uk

The Costa Blanca OCD Masters

Rannoch Hotrock II 2004……a motley collection of rock athletes, piss-heads, escapees from familydom, fugitives from domesticity, nut-jobs and obsessive-compulsives…………

Big Al – The Kitty Master; Looked after the team wedge, went shopping a lot and had an obsessive compulsion to buy lots of beer and had a phobic fear of running out of it.

Wee Al – The 8b Diet Master; High Fat/Low Fibre. Crisps and beer, with an obsessive compulsion to climb hard every day.

Chris – The Key Master; Always hid the Villa key in a glaringly obvious place, had the obsessive compulsion to get up early and bellow loudly to wake everyone up. Always leaves half way through the week to avoid cleaning up.

Colin – The Stats Master; Wore socks and sandals a lot, and had the obsessive compulsion to tick routes in guide books and work out meaningless statistics.

Dave – The Quizmaster; Had the obsessive compulsion to ask the lads football trivia questions (without ever knowing any answers). Only ever eats starters in restaurants.

Emily – The Fire Master; Enjoys driving, and has the obsessive compulsion to start fires wherever she goes…ref. The Great Fire of Morata 2003*.

Geoff – The Wine-tasting Master; Likes to forget his Driving Licence, a ‘Lurve Machine’ and Lothario in his spare time, and has an obsessive compulsion to drink expensive wine.

Departure

Off to a bad start...Big Al fails a dope test at the airport…and is done for illegal  possession of ‘stelloids’ that well known performance un-enhancer….probably shouldn’t have had those 10 pints last night. Emily’s car broke down in Partick [engine fire*?] and has a desperate dash to the airport. Geoff has lost his licence…dangerous driving?....drink?.....NO! He has just forgotten where he put it, probably to get out of the driving and drink more wine. Tsk. Tsk.

Arrival 

Off to a good start…all luggage accounted for. We head for the shed and Dave’s directions are good. Key Master finds the villa key in the shower and opens up. After a brief panic when there is no ‘Welcome Pack’ of food and drink we quickly realise that we also have the downstairs premises…and the goods are in the fridge….right enough the tight barstewards only supplied one shitty bottle of wine. The Villa is massive, and is appointed like a palace…and has a kidney-shaped pool.

The Crags (The Geographical Bit)

All areas were in the Costa Blanca…which is in Spain somewhere, about half-way up I think…..L’Ocaive, Aventador, Sella, Salem, Toix TV, Bellus, Toix East, Leiva…and one I can’t remember…’cos I didn’t go there and it rained anyway.

The Routes (The Technical Bit) 

Sorry but I have forgotten all the names:

6a, 6a+, 6a+, 6a+, 6c, V+, V+, 6a, 6a+, 6b, V+, V+, 6a+, 6a, 6a+, 6b, V+, 6a, 6a+, 6b, 6a, 6a+, 6a, 6c+, 6a, V+, V+, 6a, 6a, 6a, 6a, 6a+, 6b, 6b, 6b+, V+, IV+, V+, 6a+, 6a, 6a, 6a, IV+, V, V, 6a, V+, 6a, IV+, V+, 6a, 6a, 6a, 6a+, V+, V, 6a, 6a, 6b, 6c, 6a, V+, 6a, 6b, 6a, 6a, 6a+, 6a, 6a, 6a+, 6a+, 6b, 6b, 6b, 6b, 6a+, 6a+, 6a, 6b, 6a+, 6a, 6a+, V+, V+, 6a, 6b, 6c, V+, 6a, 6a, IV+, 6a, V+, 6a, 6a, V+.

The Drinking

There were definitely two camps when it came to the drinking. The Wine Buffs and The Cervesa-heads, with some disgraceful individuals attempting to have the best of both worlds.  Geoff and Dave led the way in choosing the vino, with Rioja a big favourite. Faustino V and VII were the most popular choices. Dave was also partial to a bit of white. Beer choice was my own prerogative, usually because it was the first thing I’d put in the shopping trolley. Standard Issue was San Miguel (5.4%), and indeed I put it to you that one simply cannot go to Spain on a Hotrock Trip and not get outside vast quantities of San Mig. We also experimented with Cruzcampo (4.5%) for those lighter moments. Also partaken of were Mahou (5.2%), Heinekin (5.0%) and for those special celebratory bevvies, ie, when we wanted to get totally pished, the Special Reserva Estrella Voll Damn (7.3%).  Serious swally that!….so much so that it come in a black bottle with the Spanish equivalent of a skull and crossbones. Interestingly, and the source of much heated discussion were the relative prices of wine and beer…wine was usually around the 5-7 Euro per bottle mark….beer was usually around the 1 Euro per litre mark!!!….and unbelievably it was cheaper than the bottled water (0%)! Someone please explain that to me?

The Food

Traditional Spanish dishes mainly. Breakfast consisted of cereal and toast, with tea, coffee and paracetamol. Crag food was invariably crisps and chocolate with lots of water and skoosh (that’s pop to any FEBs looking in), and another paracetamol. Evening meals were more varied…..steak & chips, Chinese set meal for six, plenty of Dim Sum for Dave and an omelette for the veggie (Geoff).

 An average day…

Crash! Bang! Wallop!....Big Chris in his size 12s tiptoes quietly into the villa in the dead of morning and bellows a sonic boom of a “Good morning!”…..the rest of the villa stirs restlessly. Bugger it. I’ve got a hangover (caused by wine) and could do with a snooziesta. Colin and Chris tidy up the previous evening’s bottles, cans, glasses and crisp packets. Bleary eyed the rest of the team surface and potter about eating brekkie and sitting by the pool. Dim Sum Dave appears and offers the first of his daily ‘Football Teasers’…

• “ What was the name of John Greig’s postman in 1972 -  the year Rangers won the European Cup Winners Cup?”

• Big Al – “ Easy -  Shuggie McGlumpher, out of Boyne Street  Sorting Office”

• Dave – “Correct. Well done the Big Man, you sure know your fitba’!” 

Colin, meantime has packed his sack for the crag and is hovering around in anticipation….except nobody takes any notice and has more tea and we all fanny about a bit more. Emily appears and makes herself some toast…..and promptly burns it and sets off the Smoke Alarm!!….what is it with this pyromaniac*? Eventually we all assemble ready for action and tootle off to various crags dotted around the area. We climb until we drop. All the while keeping in touch by mobile phone to check up on progress, failure or whatever, and to arrange a suitable meeting up place for evening grub and swally. After a meal and back at the shed, we get stuck in to the drink, and have sensible discussions about such topics as ‘The Importance of the Ape-Index in Climbing’.

The Ape-Index

The Ape-Index is calculated by subtracting your height from your armspan (in cms). It is thought that a positive Ape-Index is very useful in climbing, ie, if your arms are longer than you are tall…it is a good thing and you are likely to be a decent climber. Here are approximate values for the team.. 

Personally, I think it’s a load of fucking bollox. 

Absolute bunkum.

The Stats

Thank you to Colin for these statistics of the trip (Jeezo…what a saddo)

7 climbers 7 days climbing 9 different crags 95 different routes 4 swims in the pool 25 bottles of wine 250 cervesas 12 Voll Damns 90 Paracetamol

 *The Great Fire of Morata

Emily’s efforts at Morata in 2003 are legendary….and incendiary. Morata is a beautiful wooded glen with an abundance of blossom-producing trees, particularly in Spring. Long-story-short…Emily goes for a slash & dump (or whatever wimmin do) and being very ecologically minded decides to destroy her toilet paper by burning it. “WHOOFF!”…the highly inflammable blossom ignites and sends an awesome conflagration cum inferno tearing across the hillside threatening to burn all in it’s path. Thankfully the fire burned out in a few moments and no lasting damage was done.

 No small animals or rare plants were damaged in writing this article.

Big Al, 4^th Nov 2004