Rannoch Mountaineering Club
www.climbrannoch.co.uk
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Rannoch Mountaineering Club
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Beer and Rocking in Las Vegas A Personal perspective,November 2001
The flight was L-O-N-G, but was helped by an endless supply of free swally. Travel was spoiled only by an irritatingly loud alcoholic-tattie-howking Oirish Celtic supporter whose rowdy protestations (sic) caused me to be banned from the drinks trolley, I guess I shouldn’t have said I was a Teddy Bear, but luckily it was near the end of the flight. Worrying thing was that he said he was also going to Vegas, on the same flight from San Francisco….but he died of a liver failure induced heart attack when they announced there would be no drinks served on the flight and his body was jettisoned at 34000 feet. It’s the luck of the Oirish. Nae luck Paddy. Arrival in Las Vegas was more or less on time and we picked up our car, a Chevrolet ‘Redrocker’ and moseyed-on-down to the apartment on the east side of LV. Not a bad shed, big fridge for the beer and a telly. Pool and jaccuzzi round the front. Hut One had Stef, JD and Colin and myself. Hut Two had Shandboy, Carol, Tim, Iain and Bish. An interesting combo, but at least they had someone to do the housework! First Night Looking for food, Hut One drove just down the road to a place called "The Long Horn Casino", it looked promising. There was wall-to-wall slots….wall-to-wall-sluts….Elvis was in the corner singing # Red Rock Suede Shoes #….Jodie Foster was getting gang-banged on a pin-ball machine (tilt light on)…some trailer-trash rednecks in check shirts and stetsons were slugging it out over a pool table and four cops were pistol-whipping an African-American gentleman in the parking lot for not leaving a tip…….then unbelievably, an elderly long-haired grey-bearded dude walked in and HE HAD BREASTS! Honest! Yes this was Las Vegas alright! An enormously fat, sweating waitress approached…..I said "Gonnygeezalookatamenu" in my finest Glesga accent, she visibly wobbled all over and stared with a fat blank expression…. "D’uh…Excuse me?" "May we possibly peruse one of your menus perchance?" "Sure! Have-nice-day-you’re-welcome-sir" We ordered….portions were enormous but cheap, e.g. my starter the ‘Taco Salad’ consisted of a pound of Chilli in a bucket-sized taco with piles of salad and a quart of guacamole, and only $3…..a sign of things to come I thought. Day 1 Breakfast – Blueberry Hill Pancake House…..on the menu was something called ‘Double 2-Double 2’….2 eggs, 2bacon, 2 sausages, 2 pancakes….2 much. Crag – Black Corridor and Magic Bus from Second Pull Out on the Loop Road, sport routes – 5.9, 5.9+, 5.10d, 5.10a, 5.8, 5.9+, 5.8. Cracking routes, a good intro, if a little busy later on. The Black Corridor was a bit like the Whangie….short walk-in to a narrow rock gash with superb rock and well-bolted routes….hmmm…..nothing like the Whangie really. Evening – Back to the shed for a shower then up the road to Boulder Station Hotel, slot-machines as far as the eye can see, wall-to-wall-craps etc, etc…‘El Diablo’ Mexican Cantina…..Tons of tacos, tortillas, burritos, fajitas, dips, guacamoles and buckets of Corona beer. Arriba! Arriba! Quote…. "I wonder if it’s possible to come to Las Vegas and not gamble at all?" (JD) - "I bet I can!" Day 2 Breakfast – Blueberry Mountain of Pancakes….Double 2-Double 2….2 good to be missed. Crag – Dog Wall, First Pull out, 5.10a, 5.10b, The Gallery, 5.8, 5.9, 5.10a, Wall of Confusion, 5.10b. Superb sport routes again. Perfect rock and warm and sunny. Marvellous. Evening – Boulder Station American Steakhouse. All-you-can-eat soup and salad starter followed by all-you-can-find-room-for meat, cow, buffalo, bison, steer, heifer…….and beers, of course. Shandboy absent from these festivities as he was busy arranging bail for Carol who had been arrested for soliciting on the ‘Strip’ after a mix-up about where and when to get picked up (sic). …..Quote (Carol)…."You’re all bastards" Day 3 Mega-early start - Double 2-Double 2 (2 bowls of cereal, 2 cups of coffee) Crag - Black Velvet Canyon – Prince of Darkness (5.6, 5.10b, 5.10a, 5.9, 5.9, 5.10c.) A fantastic route, face climbing of the highest order with the added bonus of abseilling over-under-and-around a trio of French climbers who started off saying "Grimpeurs Ecossaise? Ooh-la-la! Haw-hee-haw! C’est magnifique. Zut alors mon amis!!" ……but as we (Stef and I) and JD and Colin totally tied them in knots and rope-lashed the leaders’ wife several times whilst in total extremis soon became….. " Sacre bleu!….vous etez merdes bastardes d’Ecosse"……oh yes The Auld Alliance is still strong. Anyway we got down safely but starving, imagine my horror to find an empty foodbag…..gofers ate my snickers! Wee furry bassas! Evening – couldn’t face another American-style pork-out so it was an American-style phone-up pizza……3 satellite-sized pizzas duly delivered and scoffed with mucho Buds/Coronas. Shandboy and Tim enjoyed their route (Fiddler on the Roof), and the crag so much they decided to spend the night out hanging to a belay half way up pitch four of Dream of Wild Turkeys after an abseil-rope jammed. Bad show lads…..even the rappel-rope-ravaged Frogs managed to get down……but shit happens I suppose. Day 4 FAB - International Rescue is go go go ……..up to crag at first light to assist Tim and Shandboy off the crag, all went smoothly until it transpired that Bish thought it would be a good idea to do some routes while we were up there…..didn’t go down too well with Iain who hadn’t brought his gear. ….Quote (Bish) "fuck-sake man ya fucken wee cunt ye!" After breakfast at IHOP (Indescribably Huge Order of Pancakes)….Double 2-Double 2….2 many pancakes, 2 visits to the john. The team adjourned to the shed for a spot of R&R, then off to the Crag – Sandstone Quarry Area, Mass Production Wall, sport routes – 5.8, 5.9, 5.10a. A-hootin-and-a-hollerin! So much good rocking! Evening – Boulder Station Italiano Ristorante…..mucho vino collapso at the JD and Colin end of the table. Then Carol laid into Iain for just being there and causing Shandboy to get benighted….. ….Quote (Carol) "yer a wee bastard so ye are (x10)" I made a major discovery tonight….The Dew Drop Inn, just a few hundred yards from the shed and perfect for the lads…..Cheap beer ($5 for a 3 pint pitcher!!), pool table (25c a game) and a barmaid with nice buns……it was the American Dream. God Bless America. Met some interesting characters, mostly local construction workers, including ‘Loopy Lou’ from Arkansas, sporting an American Civil War confederate cap and very chatty and laid back, indeed totally unflappable in the face of a slightly inebriated and aggressive Colin one-liner self-introduction….. …..Quote (Colin) "How come so many Americans are fat bastards?" (I’m just glad it wasn’t ‘Big Detroit Dave’ he confronted, he was like a Yankee version of Giant Haystacks.) Later Lou started cracking anti-Catholic jokes (must be a Southern Thing). Hilarious! Here was I, a Bluenose from Glasgow listening to an American telling me Catholic jokes. Bizarre indeed. Day 5 Breakfast – Double 2-Double 2…..2 barfs, 2 paracetamol. Crag - Willow Spring – off the loop road. One pitch sport and trad routes. 5.10, 5.9, 5.11-, 5.10, 5.8. Hot-diggety-dawg! this climbing lark just gets better and better. Evening - a visit to the Strip – Caesar’s Palace for the Buffet…..WOW! MEGA! what a size of a place, what a size of a plate of food, after several visits to Caesar’s vomitorium, a cab back to the Dew Drop to meet some more American nutters. Tonights characters included, ‘The Hustler’ a dude playing pool with personal cue, cue-glove and chalk clip……he was shite - I gubbed him, and ‘Air-Guitar man’ who stopped mid-shot several times to perform whenever a guitar-solo was on the juke-box, and ‘Juan Kerr’ a Hispanic pool shark….I was shite….he gubbed me. Day 6 Breakfast – Double 2-Double 2…..getting 2 fat, 2 rounds of toast. Crag – Pine Creek Canyon, The Mescalito – Dark Shadows (5.6, 5.7, 5.7, 5.8+), superb stemming up the big ‘varnished’ corner. First time on the holiday to have been cold, a north facing crag with a howling wind. Just like being ‘up the Ben’ (without the FEB hordes.) Also visited Brass Wall (surely a misnomer), on the sunny side, 5.9+ trad route. Superb and hot hot hot. Evening – Pizza phone-in. Mini-Dish size this time….still couldn’t finish them. Dropped in to the Dew Drop Inn. Tonight’s entertainment….Steve ‘The One-armed Bandit’, astonishingly able to play good pool using only one hand. Unfortunately he was a mouthy, brash asshole. This seemed to be the opinion of everyone in the bar not just us. Day 7 Breakfast – Double 2-Double 2….2 late I’m blobbed-out now, 2 of everything, with double maple-syrup. Not even any room left for a wafer-thin mint. Crag – Pine Creek with Tim (Stef gone home to the gym and Shandboy was bodyguarding for Carol on the Strip), Straight Shooter and Brass Wall, 5.9+, 5.10, 5.8+ Evening – Boulder Station Mexican trough-session with bucketed-Corona overload. The Dew Drop Inn seemed to be holding some kind of Ironworkers Union Convention, ‘Big Lew’ handed out car bumper stickers, badges etc …..Quote - "Badges? Badges?" We don’t want no steeenking badges!" ‘Septic Hank’ told us about his 3 beautiful daughters (very doubtful, since he was a short, fat, grizzled, stinking, one-eyed, bow-legged halitosis-suffering hobo), and how he’d forgotten how many wives he’s had. It was another pitcher and pool frenzy. Day 8 I was odd-man-out today. Thought I’d take a wee walk down the road to the Toys’R’Us I’d spied on Flamingo Road……2 hours and 3 litres of Gatorade later I arrived rather footsore. Got a sack load of Harry Potter stuff for the boys and got the bus back to the shed. Brunch – Double 2-Double 2….2 stomach pumps an enema and a double colonic irrigation. Rest of day by the pool. Evening – a blur of pitchers, pool, parrots and owls. Two locals had their pet birds in the bar with them! Day 9 (last day) Breakfast – Double 2-Double 2….It’s Lardsville, Nevada –drastic measures called for - 2 stomach staples, 2 liposuctions and a double jaw-clamp. Crag – Pining For Home Canyon, Flight Path Wall, 5.9, 5.9, 5.9. Calico Basin, 5.9+ Evening – A team trip to the Strip. Did the Rollercoaster ride at NewYork New York. Brilliant. On to the Buffet at ‘Bellagios’…..and I thought Caesars was big!! You could fit the whole of Byres Rd into the foyer of this place! They had top quality food in exquisite surroundings. Incredibly, with virtually haute cuisine on offer (braised red snapper, roast wild hog, duck etc) most of the Yanks were porking-out on PIZZA for chrissakes!! No wonder they’re all so freakin’ fat. Yes, Colin, you were right all along. We shoe-horned ourselves into a cab back to the shed. Final fling at The Dew Drop, got some snazzy t-shirts off the owner Arlene. Became barfast with JD, chilling out with a few pitchers and swapping addresses with a few folk. Truly a terrific bar. Magic. Days 10-12 Dumped the wheels – then it was a blur of airport lounges, trolley-dollies, double vodkas, cans of Bud, airport sushi-bars and last minute gift shops all the way to a dull damp Glasgow. The Routes
bonaire-bone2-crudeboys-dancinwithagod-neonsunset- The Future Tick-list Too many routes, too little time, too many big breakfasts, too fucking fat. (Catch Double 2-Double 2) Hunter S. Heller, November 2001 |
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