Rannoch Mountaineering Club 

www.climbrannoch.co.uk

Big Al’s Training Tips: How to get Sofa King Fit

Intro by: Carrie R Baggs

Many thanks to Big Al for this wonderfully composed work, inspired by our true fitness guru Sir William McLure OBS (Order of The Bastard Squad) - See how Willie Pumps - click here 

Introduction

The best training for climbing is looking at the pictures in the mags and then talking about it down the pub. (Fitness or Shitless - the choice is yours, Ed) 

Theoretical Basics:

Isometric Strength: the strength needed to hold your pint in mid-air when someone asks you a stupid question just as you’re about to quaff.

Dynamic strength: the strength needed to jump the queue at the bar.

The Different Positions: standing at or in the bar, on a barstool, at a table, or at home in an armchair. Essential: Never place your pint on a sloper.

The Training: Why & How to warm up or down and stretch

If you don’t WARM UP you are going to be cold. If you don’t STRETCH you’ll never reach the fucker.  

The best way to warm up and stretch is to do it in the following sequence:

1.      Warm up your fingers under the hot air blower in the toilet.

2.      Warm up your arms with arm-circling movements, this can be achieved by putting on a nice jumper.

3.      Now some stretching: reach to the back right pocket and check your wallet is there.

4.      DO NOT BOUNCE at the bar, you will look a complete diddy. Simply HOLD the position.

5.      Now go ahead!

Yeah, sure!

The Ten Commandments :

·        Thou shalt only go down the pub after a deep and progressive warm-up and stretch as described above.

·        Thou shalt perform all your training in establishments licensed to sell you 12 beers or more. You WILL FALL over after that.

·        Thou shalt do your training at the beginning of the session when you are fresh and ready. Don’t expect to do well on your training after a sesh!

·        Thou shalt start on beer, and then move onto voddies and the like when you are full.

·        Thou shalt stop training if someone tweaks your backside. You are in the wrong sort of establishment.

·        Thou shalt drink lots during your training. Goes without saying.

·        At the end of your session you should feel steaming. DO NOT trash your liver on a training session.

·        Thou shalt do a head down and light shambling movement after the work out.

·        Thou shalt stop saying thou shalt, how fuckin stupid is that.

·        That is only nine but Sofa King What!.

   Yeah, sure!     

Big Al, March 2004