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Lagers24 by Big Al 17th June 2003

VECTOR ROUTE MAP - SEE END OF ARTICLE

I finally got round to doing my lifetime’s ambition at the weekend – 24 lagers in 24 hours. I had made several abortions-of-attempts at this over the years and had usually failed because of torrential vomit and low trousers. Things looked more promising today.

If I knew who my father was he would have seen me disappear into Tennents Bar at 11am at the start of my sojourn. I made good progress over to Bonhams, then to The Curlers and on to the Wee Bar and up the lane to Bar Brel and Jinty’s. I fell in the bog in Jinty’s, some eejit had pished the floor and it was a slippery quagmire. While I was in there, I left an excrutiating mass, but I couldn’t be bothered to explain it to Marilyn the barmaid.

After a quick foodstop it was down to The Aragon, where I met some supporters, but they were chucked out because it said NO FOOTBALL COLOURS. From here progress was simple to Whistlers, The Rubaiyat, Russells and the Living Room. I looked at my 2 watches and they both said I was ahead of schedule……a good margin. Wee Iain accompanied me on the pleasant run to the Lismore, but he only brought £1.23 so he plodded out there.

I made my first mistake here, I should have changed my Y-Fronts at Jinty’s, and had a bit of a grit-dangler in my chuff. Nasty.

Twelve down and I was losing all sense of time and perspective, but managed to keep it together for the Quarter Gill, Victoria Bar, Fiddlers and Stumps. I took 15 minutes to get my head round the next stage and had another foodstop….a half-eaten fish supper from a waste bin at the Crow Road lights had to suffice before the tortuous approach to the Rosevale Tavern. This section was normally straightforward but it was plastered.

I stormed along to the Windsor, then the Hayburn Vaults and the Ettrick Bar. But then disaster struck. Mistake no. 2. I had a total mental block and hit the Smiddy Bar >gasp< …..SHOCKING!……I had stumbled into a CELTIC PUB!, but managed to pull out all the stops to regain my composure, and ran out after a [very] quick rendition of #Follow Follow#.

I was furious at my mistake and headed for the Clyde Valley…..My 4 watches told me my margin was slim and I thought I’d blown it, so I jettisoned my carry-out bag and sprinted towards the bar at Memories. My descent from the bar stool was very swift  but I felt no pain or discomfort. The road flowed under my feet as I cut round past the Bingo Hall towards the Partick Tavern. I had done it.

A quick hurdle of the seats in the waiting room of the Western A & E and I was there. .

The Time?  23:49:40.

Big Al 17th June 2003

Using Anquet vector map software our Webmaster plumbed in the route to check the statistics.... 24 lagers, 48 stagger miles (4 stagger =  1.37 normal), 3 pavement pizzas, 1 sectarian oversight followed by 1 "follow-follow", 9 'malties', 83 "matemans", 62 'wavers' (6 were known), 325 feet of ascent, and 9 fall-downs.

WEBMASTER FOOTNOTE: The previous record was only 19 lagers by Billy Bellend in Edinburgh (1992), which kinds of speaks for itself. Sadly Billy was killed by a falling chimney pot on his way home with a fish supper late last year. Our best wishes go out to his family and friends - PAH!