Rannoch Mountaineering Club 

www.climbrannoch.co.uk

Rannoch Re-Tox™ (Big Al, 4^th January 2005 )

 The start of a New Year….

a time for reflecting on the year gone by,

and a time for resolutions for the year ahead….

 

….a time for starting diets, fitness plans,

weight-loss regimes, healthy eating and drinking.

 

well….once you’ve tried that crap….

and got pissed off after a couple of days….

 

….try this!

Join us here at The Rannoch on our Re-Tox Plan devised by our completely untrained and non-accredited anti-nutritionists, blobo-mechanics, psychobabblers and get-a-fucking-life coaches.

Re-toxification is a normal body process to increase and enhance toxins in the colon, liver, kidneys, lungs, lymph and skin. The Rannoch Re-Tox plan introduces highly dangerous and intrinsically nasty substances to the body which is advisable after low alcohol intake or consumption of healthy low-fat foods. The plan contains no scientifically proven data or advice, but is guaranteed to have a specific action on the body to help maximise toxic waste, keeping you fantastically unhealthy.

Foods to include in the plan

Your plan can include:

• Lard, dripping, suet, bacon rind, pork scratchings, beef scratchings, chicken scratchings, curries, fried breakfasts, fried lunches, fried hill food, fried dinner, anything high salt high sugar and processed, anything with an ‘E-number’ in it….pot noodles, deep fried pizza with a mars bar topping.  (Just look at Wee Iain…it hasn’t done him any harm!)

Foods to avoid during your Re-Tox™

Your plan must not include:

Anything (repeat ANYTHING!!) cooked or baked by Shaz or Rhona.

• Fruit, vegetables, tofu, quorn, beans, pulses, brown rice, oats, yoghurt, wholemeal bread.

Liquid intake

• We suggest at least 5 litres per day, Stella the preferred option. [Please Note:  water  is OK only when used by the missus to do the washing-up]

Typical Re-Tox™ Plan breakfast

• Fag, lager fix, fry up.

Typical Re-Tox™ Plan lunch

• Fag, fag, lager, lager, fag.

Typical Re-Tox™ Plan dinner

• Pizza delivery in the early evening followed by a kebab after a big swally.

• Please Note: Snacking is acceptable, indeed, positively encouraged throughout the day. Try crisps, chocolate, sausage rolls, black forest gateau and beer. (Top Tip: always carry a handy salt cellar with you…added salt is very important.)

Cigarettes

• It is imperative that you start smoking immediately. Also, use nicotine-patches for extra effect. (Capstan Full Strength are still available at specialist outlets, just say The Rannoch sent you).  Cigars are also very popular in restaurants.

Exercise

• Jump into a taxi down the boozer. Hop on a bus. Run the bath.

Other Rannoch Health Activities

• Self-therapeutic Massage: thanks to Gaz for all his hard work, (single-handedly) in bringing this to the lads attention…but there was no need, really.

• Alexander Brothers Technique: get on down to a Ceilidh in an old folks home, pinch all their bevvy and listen to some great tunes.

• Pie-Lattés: a scotch pie and a strong coffee…nothing better for a hangover.

• Moronic Irrigation: get a job digging trenches in the Amazon.

• Mud Therapy: stick a cucumber somewhere therapeutic and lie in a barrel of shite.

Big Al, 4^th January 2005