Rannoch Mountaineering Club 

www.climbrannoch.co.uk

When Stella Met Billy

As prophesied in a previous posting I did manage to 'pop up at the bothy meet'. Timing was perfection, everyone had given up hope, the welcoming party had walked out further than anticipated and returned empty handed and there was enough half eaten food available on arrival to avoid having to cook.  

In all ways this was the strangest bothy meet ever. Not only did one welcoming committee go out into worsening conditions to look for stragglers but a second party then took on the challenge. Where the first lot failed the second lot completed their task successfully and in half the time.  

As foretold the men 'carried the bags' for the women. This sounds like a simple task, however the approaching lights provoked a frenzied discussion on the merits and ethics of bag carrying. Needless to say we decided we were mature enough to deal with this (should it be offered) and as female mountain guides make their male clients carry all their gear (Ref: Fiona) the precedent was set. We both had more chance of becoming a female mountain guide than a male client anyway. 

Notwithstanding the 'fighter pilot escort' (Ref: Colin) the ladies were met outside the bothy in the rain with warmth and enthusiasm. Cans of stella were shared (!) and we were told to finish it off. Surely no one could beat that offer. 

Once inside the hut the atmosphere was of warmth and conviviality but soon the insults began to flow and everyone began to relax and enjoy themselves.  Later the Kylie influence came once more to the fore and Big Al offered his seat to a lady. He did voice ulterior motives but we think he had descended to a new low and was being a gentleman. I missed out on 'men opening doors' but maybe that was for the best as it was seemed to be accompanied by a momentary lapse in affection. 

Climax of the night (at least for me) was the offer of more stella, this time from Big Al and from his last can. The others received protestations of undying love but I got the stella. Jackpot. Actions speak louder than words (Ref Shaz). 

Basking in true love I assumed not only would my stuff be carried out the next day but I would too. Not so lucky. Such is the Rannoch attention span that all attention had moved to Shaz whose possessions found their ways into various bags leaving her with nothing. I don't know if she got any of it back as there were threats to dump anything with a bad label in the loch. 

Rather than go through the usual post bothy meet awards I felt that it would be more relevant this year to audit compliance with the Kylie Protocol: 

Indications that the Kylie protocol had been successfully adopted:

1. Carriage of bags and possessions by assorted male members

2. Sharing of food, beer, stella and especially last cans

3. Giving up seats for the ladies

4. Offering clothing to the non-member to help her survive the night

5. Care and consideration extended to those lost in the dark

6. Giving Kylie guests their own room

 Indications that the Rannoch are trapped in their own private macho hell and that the Kylie protocol is for poofs

1. Believing women to be far too weak to carry own large and heavy bags

2. Refusing to carry out anything that could be offloaded onto/into someone else and after all whoever touches the dishes last has to wash them

3. Believing women to be less able to stand up all night while drinking beer

4. Giving clothing to non-member in an attempt to cover up bad labels

5. Believing women to be incapable of successfully navigating into bothies in the dark

6. Refusing to share a room with those stinking hillbillies

Once again the Rannoch have failed to match up to the Kylie Hillbilly Standards and are encouraged to try harder next time.